7 alien sidekicks in 80s films
Who are you bringing home?
After the success of Star Wars in 1977, science-fiction and fantasy became a popular theme of eighties movies. Special effects were decent enough quality to warrant believability, puppetry / prosthetics were in their heyday. Space travel was in the nation’s psyche with NASA’s new space shuttle programme and SETI’s ‘Wow!’ signal offering a world of possibilities.
It’s no wonder then that aliens, or alien-like creatures, featured heavily in kids movies of the era. Whilst there were many adult films doing aliens a disservice – most of them wanted to kill us – the non-human species in PG films were much less hostile. We decided to take a look as some of these creatures, and discuss their attribute and shortfalls.
“Fix-Its” FROM Batteries Not Included
New York’s newest illegal aliens, these cute little flying saucers appear after the universe heard the call from the desperate residents of a brown-stone building under threat. Their first act is to clean up the mess the hired muscle had made the previous night. Soon they become everyone’s favourite neighbour, bonding all the residents into one big family. Fixing things is their main hobby. From tiling to electricals, no job is too big for them, and they’re speedy too.
Plusses: Incredibly helpful and handy to have around, can even make burgers.
Negatives: Like to seize electrical items, bolts, nuts, wiring etc. If you’re fond of your toaster, these guys might get annoying.
“E.T.” FROM E.T. The ExtrA-Terrestrial
What’s E.T. short for? Because he’s got little legs… (I thank you). He’s not just short, E.T. is brown, wrinkly with a long neck, arms and fingers. Frankly, he’s not a looker. But his species is as peaceful as they come, their visit was simply to study Earth’s fauna and flora. After E.T. misses his ride home, his love for Reece’s Pieces leads him to a warm home and new BFF Elliot. E.T. is a quick learner, after just a day he can construct sentences, imagine what he’d be able to do if he was around for a month? He is fascinated by everything around him and creates deep bonds with his buddies.
Plusses: Can heal minor ailments with a touch of his finger. Can also make you fly. Warm, kind and goofy. Once he’s your friend, he’s your friend for life.
Negatives: All those shared feelings do tend to cross boundaries. If you’re drunk, he’s drunk. If he’s sick, you’re sick too. He also bonds with houseplants too, which are hard enough to keep alive. Most unfortunately, he’ll be hounded for his whole life, you’ll live as a fugitive. Oh, he also has a penchant for ‘recycling’ electrical items, so your toaster still isn’t safe.
“THE Puckmaren” FROM Flight of the Navigator
After an incident in the woods, 12 year old David finds himself eight years in the future. The authorities get involved. His crime? Thinking it’s 1978. His punishment? Trapped in a high security room with only Sarah Jessica Parker for company. Soon they establish a connection between him and the flying saucer they’ve recently found tangled in some power lines. With a little help he manages to get into the flying saucer, and here’s where we meet his non-human friends. There’s Max, the disembodied voice that guides David through his space-travelling mission. There’s also a whole host of specimens from different planets. But we’re interested in the Puckmaren, a wormy little one-footed creature from a planet called Binpuka Minor. The planet has since been destroyed, so he’s now an orphaned little Puckmaren.
Plusses: Cute as hell. Great at bar gymnastics. Also small, so can be smuggled in places where pets aren’t allowed.
Negatives: Not clear what he eats, how long he lives, what his habits are etc. Could also get very lonely and sad as no one else speaks his language.
“THE BAG” FROM My Stepmother’s an Alien
Cavalier physicist Steve Mills accidentally sends a surge of energy into another galaxy, nearly killing a whole planet and thus attracting the attention of other humanoid shaped aliens. So they send back one of their own to find out more about his research, in the guise of an insanely attractive woman who’s also a social pariah. Celeste and her trusty handbag try to use feminine wiles to seduce the good doctor, but Celeste ends up really rather liking the whole experience. ‘The bag’ is the name of this creature, it is essentially an eyeball and a long stem of synapse nerves, that can speak. The advice Bag gives is questionable at best, when it comes to human customs this is a case of the blind leading the blind.
Plusses: Very resourceful, lives in essentially a Mary Poppins style handbag where it can access anything you want. Fancy a new dress? Show Bag a magazine picture and out it’ll come. Want to put your child on the ceiling? Hey presto. Hyper focused and determined. Can control space ships and eject force on objects without even touching them.
Negatives: Seems unconcerned about killing people, argumentative and quick to temper, wants to be in on everything. Also, you can never change handbag. You’d have to have the same handbag whatever your outfit, whatever the fashion, year in year out.
“EWOKS” From The Ewok Adventure: Caravan of Courage
Don’t you ‘TV movie’ ‘Caravan of Garbage’ me, this was one of my all-time favourite movies when I was a kid. I think this film inspired me to make bases in the woods for much of the late 80s where the game was survival and living off the land. The Ewoks take on the quest of helping Mace and Cindel find their parents who have been captured by the monster Gorax, in a daring and difficult journey across Endor.
Plusses: These guys are fiercely protective, cunning and skilful. Wicket is cute as a button, too. Gives great hugs.
Negatives: Their ferocity could scare off neighbours, friends, pets etc. They are a bit primitive, and I suspect would bite your finger off if you poked one too hard.
“THE ALIENS” FROM Explorers
In a nutshell, imagine the ‘Stand By Me’ gang but instead of the mission being to go see a dead body, the mission here is to create a spaceship and explore the galaxy. How do they make their own spaceship you ask? Well, Ethan Hawke has a dream which shows him the exact blueprints for their craft. I had a dream last night that I showed comedian Jack Dee how to create his own Facebook page, is that my calling? With no consideration for atmospheric pressures of the vacuum of space, aliens take control of the craft and beacon it directly to their own ship. The creatures they find are like giant, squishy and slimy green bugs. The female Neek is an outrageous flirt, the male Starkiller only communicates using references from TV. They make no sense and it’s not clear what they want, apart from to show the kids TV clips. Turns out, they’re juvenile aliens themselves.
Plusses: They LOVE TV and can project onto a big screen. They also love dancing and music. They’re friendly and inclusive. Great for entertaining the kids, would make excellent Butlins red coats.
Negatives: Oh, so many. The TV quotes will get tiresome very quickly, the flirting is very invasive. As an adult, it’s noisy and confusing and makes you want to go take a nap.
“MAC” FROM Mac and Me
On a NASA mission to what looks like a moon of Saturn, the probe accidentally sucks up an alien family. On returning the family bust out of the craft and escape, though the smallest child Mac, gets separated. He befriends a wheelchair-bound boy who has just moved house to the top of a very steep hill. He is able to communicate with his family who are hiding in a nearby windfarm, close to death. It’s a simple plot, created by and for McDonald’s which is why it features so much in the film (and he’s called Mac, geddit).
Plusses: Cuteness overload, but looking at his older family, they don’t stay cute forever (see also: micropigs). He loves Coca Cola and can swim really well.
Negatives: Doesn’t speak any discernible language, also has a fascination with electronic gadgets but not so great at using them. Quirky interior design style.
For me it came down to two. The Bag has it’s benefits, and if it wasn’t for it’s anger management problems i’d definitely consider it. But in the end, it’s pretty clear which 80s alien sidekick I’d be picking. He’s cute and furry, feisty and funny, lives in the woods and enjoys a headscarf. He’ll stick with you through thick and thin, taking on your battles to the ends of the earth. It’s the Ewok! Tell us in the comments your thoughts. Who should be added to the list?
